20. Retrospect

What the hell was that all about? 

— Marlin Brando’s comment when asked what he thought of as he looked back on his life and his acting career.  

At times during my life I’ve felt as though I was being dragged along by forces outside of my control. The vagaries of business or the unusual intensity of relationships have left me feeling, well, like I was being drawn or pulled.   

It’s only with the retrospective eye that I’m able to catch glimpses of these unusual segments. During those times when the guiding forces aren’t born of my own reason, my mind is unable to rise above and observe the circumstances of entangled power. I’m caught in a whirlwind – possibly of love, of anxiety or of interest – that has me thinking of and doing things that weren’t part of my plan.  

It’s a grand aspect of life, isn’t it — that things sometimes don’t go as planned?  Imagine there being no surprises, no changes of heart, no transformations. What would life be like if your projections were always dead on accurate? What arousal could there possibly be in a romance that is planned?  

Day 20 Guide 

The best plan is to plan on being surprised. Push the envelope of surprise by throwing away the anxiety of involvement. Don’t fear your opinion. Support it. Don’t suppress your desire. Live it.  

© 2006, Levi Hill

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